On October 6th, after receiving just three days of treatment for Covid-19 at Walter Reed Army Medical Center, His Royal Presidency returned to the White House. Instead of retiring to bed, however, he left his helicopter and climbed to the top of the Truman Balcony.
Arriving at the balustrade, he clawed off his mask for the cameras below. And as they were snapping, he looked for a moment like Eva Peron. Surveying the South Lawn, His Presidency was suddenly lifted to Buenos Aires. Maybe he saw crowds. Maybe he saw banners. Whatever he saw, he was certainly high on the terrace of the Casa Rosada. And in the privacy of his mind, he delivered this song:
I starred in the commercials.
I starred in shows.
They were all hard as hell — I should know.
When the craft service people
forgot my No Doz.
But now acting’s easy.
The Walter Reed staff
set a bar up for me.
There’s Four Loko here, I could have froze.
I told them, “I’ll have one of those!”
Don’t cry for me, Miley Cyrus!
I lied to the China virus.
Called myself “Hannah.”
Donned a bandana.
Played a fake person.
It passed be by, cursin’.
I fought in all the sex wars.
I fought the Libs.
They were nasty and mean to me then.
When they tried to destroy me
with gossip and fibs.
But now I’m presiding
over Proud Boys
and Twitter and MAGA and FOX.
The tears fall from Barack Hussein —
yet Commander-in-Chief I remain.
Don’t cry for me, Miley Cyrus!
I beat off the China virus.
Swallowed hydroxy.
Sniffed some epoxy.
Got fresher plasma,
New lungs without asthma.
I had to see a doctor.
I had to change
all the stories the newspeople wrote
about how I paid taxes
was suspect and strange.
But that’s all past now.
What they’ll see
is a hero renewed
who’s waving at hundreds of fans —
on the porch of the White House he stands.
Don’t cry for me, Miley Cyrus!
There’s no wrecking ball China virus.
They pushed the hoax far.
It won’t leave a deep scar.
When your fever gets hotter,
Drink bleach and not water.
Don’t cry for me, Miley Cyrus!
I’m younger and now desirous.
Without infection,
I’ll win the election.
I’m back and I’m bigly.
The people will dig me.
They’ll cheer me off and…
share in my coughin’.
Take their masks off and…
we’ll all share a coffin.
After he finished, the media lit up comparing His Presidency to Eva Peron. She too enjoyed a good balcony. But perhaps Patti LuPone — who originated the role of Argentina’s former First Lady on Broadway in Evita [1979] — provided the best critique of His Presidency’s performance. Here’s what she wrote about his attempt at “I’m sick, but don’t cry for me, Argentina” glory:
Lyrics by Rick Stachura. “Don’t Cry for Me, Miley Cyrus.” October 16, 2020.
Lyrics based on “Don’t Cry for Me Argentina” by Tim Rice and Andrew Lloyd Webber, from the musical “Evita,” 1976.
All photos edited by Rick Stachura.
(1) Photo by Anna Moneymaker via The New York Times. His Royal Presidency. October 6, 2020.
(2) Photo by Michael Rougier via Getty Images. Eva Peron, First Lady of Argentina (1946-1952). Circa 1948.
(3) Screenshot via Patti LuPone’s Twitter feed. October 5, 2020.